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Tip #47 – Watch out, because your kids are always watching you.

June 18, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Watch out, because your kids are always watching you!

 

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”  

~ Robert Fulghum (All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten)

 

Did your parents ever say, “Do as I say, not as I do”?  As an adult I can now see that they were telling us they might not always be the rest role models, so try to follow the ideas in the words.

You know that kids can spot inconsistency a mile away.  They also tune out our words.It’s just more blah, blah, blah to them.  It brings to mind the Peanuts cartoons where adult talk comes out as ‘wah, wah, wah.” But make no mistake, they are watching everything you do.

What values do you say you live by?  How well do you live them?  Kids are experts at knowing when what we say and what we do are out of sync.  There are many expressions that speak to this – talk is cheap, walk the talk, lead by example, actions speak louder than words.

The next time you find yourself talking to your child about values and attitudes, ask yourself, “Where am I in my commitment to these values?  Am I expecting a better attitude from my children than I do from myself? If you are prepared to hear some honest feedback, you might ask your kids what they see.  This could be a wonderful opportunity to learn about yourself.  You will inspire your children as your work toward being the best parent and person you an be. If the truth is one of your priorities, this is indeed ‘walking the talk’.

 

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Tip #45 – Avoid the minefield. Don’t make assumptions.

May 27, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Avoid the minefield. Don’t make assumptions.

 

You know what they say about when you assume something, right?  You make an ass of you and me. You have no way of knowing what people know or don’t know, and vice versa. But someone makes an assumption, and before you know it, a perfectly reasonable question or conversation turns into a minefield of outrage and misunderstanding.

On the surface this one is a no-brainer:  just stop assuming.  Easier said than done, of course.  Are you tired, hungry, rushed or already annoyed about something?  You bring all that to the table.  And so does the other person, whether it’s your spouse, child or co-worker.

Go back to basics to avoid communication mayhem.  Here are my top three strategies:

#1 – Take five.  If you feel an outburst coming on, excuse yourself and take a few minutes to think about what you really want to say, or ask.

#2 – Empathize.  Try to imagine why this is so important to the other person.

#3 – Stop talking and start listening!  You can’t listen with your mouth going.  Ask for information and clarification before you react and respond.

The most common reason for relationship difficulties is in how people speak and listen to each other.  Get these basic skills down, and watch everything change.

P.S. You probably had a few people in mind as you read this.  Go ahead, forward this email to at least five people who would benefit from the message, people you care about and and who want healthier relationships.  Let me know your thoughts about today’s Tip. How is it helpful for you?  You can leave a comment here.

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P.S. You probably had a few people in mind as you read this.  Go ahead, send the link (http://www.yourfamilymatterscoach.com/?p=1618)  to at least five people who would benefit from the message, people you care about and who want healthier relationships.  Let me know your thoughts about today’s Tip.  How is it helpful for you?  You can leave a comment below.

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YOU are the missing link.

May 14, 2013 By Leave a Comment

YOU ARE THE MISSING LINK (a personal story)

 

You say that your child’s happiness and mental health are your top concerns.  So what do you do when your child is depressed and hurting? Maybe hurting himself? Of course you get help.  There are therapists and counselors, in-patient and out-patient programs specifically for children and adolescents.

I’ve been there, and made sure my child got help…. and… it turned out that it wasn’t enough.  In the end, the inescapable truth was that we parents needed help, too.  You can get all the help in the world for your child and sometimes, unfortunately, it isn’t enough. The biggest factor in tipping the scale to healing and happiness is parents doing this work, too.  YOU ARE THE MISSING LINK.

When we first took our son to Hyde School, we were in a room full of parents who wanted the school to ‘fix’ what was wrong with their kid.  We soon recognized that we needed some ‘fixing’ too.  We knew that he couldn’t come back to the same home, same parents, same dynamics.  Hyde provided a parallel program for us, to help us improve our own lives, too, becoming better parents, better role models, and more fulfilled human beings.  WE ARE THE MISSING LINK.

You see, in the context of being at this boarding school, the kids are living in a character culture. They are learning in classes, on the field, in the dorm, on stage, everywhere, what it means to be a person of integrity, giving your best effort, holding yourself and others accountable, taking healthy risks, and becoming leaders.

Now imagine that this child comes home to a family that doesn’t speak this language or live the program, where everyone falls back into their old roles.  A lot of the growth of that child disappears because what he learned is not replicated at home.  There is no support for the growth and learning he has achieved.  THE PARENTS ARE THE MISSING LINK.

We knew that our son had made choices for himself that landed him there; however, we also knew that, in spite of love and the best of intentions, we had a lot to do with the person he became.  (If parents can take some of the credit for how well their children turn out, why shouldn’t they take some responsibility for the less desirable outcomes ?) While at Hyde I came to realize all the things I taught my children without even knowing it: how I saw the world and my place in it; how I responded to stress and conflict; what risks I was willing or unwilling to take; inconsistencies between my words and actions. I WAS THE MISSING LINK.

This was a big wake-up call.  I may have started the work because of him, but I continued with it for myself.  The work doesn’t end.  Every day has its challenges and I reflect and make course corrections regularly.

Take a good hard look at yourself.  Can you identify with any of this?  You are your child’s most important teacher.  He’s watching everything you do.  Your kids are growing up in a world that requires them to be resilient and courageous in order to be safe, happy and successful.  Are you teaching them by example?  Do you have a double standard when you ask for their best effort and productive attitudes, always?  Do you live what you ask them to do? YOU ARE THE MISSING LINK.

So, the next time you think your child is off track and needs help, I implore you to look within.  Recognize that every one of us is a product of the people around us, and we can all use some tweaking. That’s you, your kids, your parents.  Being part of a family is a group effort.  When one hurts, you all hurt.  When one needs help, you all need help.  DON’T BE A MISSING LINK.  BE THE LINK THAT COMPLETES AND STRENGTHENS THE CHAIN.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!
Fern

P.S. Did this article touch you in some way? Can you identify?  Leave a comment below or send me a personal email (fern@yourfamilymatterscoach.com). Let me know how I can be of help to you.  And please forward this article  to at least five people who would benefit from the message, people you care about who want the best for their family.

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Be teachable,

May 6, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Be teachable

 

You’ve heard me say it before:  your attitude affects just about everything.  And this applies to how receptive you are to learning, or to being taught.  Do you think you know it all?  And if you know you don’t know it all, are you willing to learn?  Your value, in all facets of life, is in your ability to learn, grow, change and adapt. This applies to business, school, family, parenting, promotions, you name it. 
 
I was listening to a teleclass one night, and was a bit impatient.  I’d already
had training on the topic, but called in anyway because I had heard great things about the presenter.  My ears picked up when she said, “Leave behind the notion that you already know everything I’m about to teach.” Yup. That was me.  And as soon as I opened my mind and changed my attitude, I saw how much I could still learn.
 
In my first year of teaching my mentor said, “Remember that you are a teacher AND a student.”  In other words, I had much to learn from my students and the process. Teachers are always learning. We are all lifelong students.  It isn’t just for the classroom.
 
Become teachable, always asking, “How can I learn more?”  Learn from books, mentors, professors, friends, colleagues and… your kids.  Like it or not, your kids will teach you some of the most important lessons of your life — through their words, actions, and attitudes.  Yes, attitudes again. You will see what you have imparted to them.  Some of it won’t be pleasant, and that is where you will see the personal work that needs to be done.
 
Did you get the message?  Good, you learned something new today.

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Help others become learners, too.  Help them take the next step to excellence in parenting and any other goal in life by sharing this post with them. Let me know what meaning this message has for you by leaving your comment below.  Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

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Are you surrounding yourself with garbage or gold?

April 28, 2013 By 8 Comments

Are you surrounding yourself with garbage or gold?

 

From the day you are born you are like a sponge, absorbing the thoughts and opinions of others. You might say that every person with whom you come in contact is a mentor, influencing how you see yourself and the world. What are you taking in – negativity or inspiration, garbage or gold? And what do you put back out? Decide who and what you will let in.

Think about someone you know who is really struggling and making poor choices. Whether it’s a friend, co-worker or family member, it’s so difficult to watch that play out. Very often that person has lived a life with many negative experiences and one poor decision after another. He has been ‘mentored’ by people and beliefs that do not build him up. (In all fairness, these mindsets pass down from generation to generation. We are all doing the best we can with what we’ve got. It takes awareness and strength of purpose to break these patterns, and it is possible!)

Let’s look at some of the ways you are molded, and the quality of those influences. (This goes double for your kids who are so easily swayed by… well, just about everything.)

If you spend time in front of the TV, or listening to the radio, you are being mentored by advertisers, journalists, script writers and song writers. You are told what to buy and encouraged to buy what you don’t even need or want. The nightly news fills your head with disasters and tragedies and sucks the energy out of you. Comedy, drama and ‘reality’ shows condition you to think about love, marriage, money and relationships in ways that are sometimes unhealthy. Song lyrics can make you smile or drag you down. What is the outcome? Is this the food you want for your soul? Negativity in, negativity out. Garbage in, garbage out. Choose what works for you.

Now take a look at the ‘mentors’ in your life and your kids’ lives, the daily influences all around you. Do you surround yourself with those who lift you up and have the same values you want to live by? Listen to the words they speak and the advice they give you. How much of it is gossip, criticism or jealousy? How much is uplifting and helps you build strong character? Observe the priorities, lifestyle, principles and character of the mentors in your life. Choose people who are an influence for good so that you can be an influence for good. Determine whether or not they can lead you to success in relationships, career, health and spirit.

You have many teachers in this life. Some are here to inspire you to be your best, others to make you aware of what you don’t want to be. Learn from all of them.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

P.S. You probably had a few people in mind as you read this.  Send at least five people to this article who would benefit from the message, people you care about and want to lift up.   And let me know your thoughts about this article. How is it helpful for you?  Leave a comment here.

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You have the answers. Just start listening!

April 14, 2013 By Leave a Comment

 

TIP: You have the answers. Just start listening!

 

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”  Dr. Benjamin Spock

It’s so true. You have an innate wisdom that is ‘spot on’ most of the time. So why do you have so much aggravation about how to handle raising your kids? Quite simple, really. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING to that inner voice!  WAKE UP!  PAY ATTENTION!  (Can you hear me screaming in capital letters?) Sometimes you can feel it in your body — a fluttering in your belly, shallow breathing, a big sigh,or oy vey, you feel a headache coming on.  And even when you’re listening, you’re feeling overwhelmed by life, schedules, attitudes, the youth culture, technology. Need I go on?

Time to stop being swayed by the external stuff, the demands of everyday life. Start paying attention to the Jiminy Cricket sitting on your shoulder. That little guy knows what he’s talking about! And when he’s whispering (or screaming) in your ear, stop and think about what it would take to follow that common sense message. What do you want to accomplish, and who do you need to ask for help? It’s a lot less painful to do the tough stuff now, than to wait and deal with bigger attitudes and problems later on. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but trust me, it is.

Let’s take the mystique out of parenting. Go back to basics, the ones you know in your gut are the best, most effective way to go.  I’ll stop yelling now…

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!


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Be direct. Don’t beat around the bush.

April 6, 2013 By 1 Comment

Be direct. Don’t beat around the bush.

In case you hadn’t noticed, most of the tips you read here are multipurpose (or ‘interdisciplinary’ as we say in teaching).  If you expand your view, they apply to pretty much all relationships, not just the one with your kids. The same applies to today’s tip to stop beating around the bush.

(By the way, here is the origin of the expression.  Beating around the bush means not going straight to the point. It comes from an old hunting term. Beaters were people who went ahead of hunters to flush out the quarry. To those beaters who tried to have an easy day and avoid heavy undergrowth the hunters would call out “don’t beat around the bush, go through it.”  Basically it means that one is being evasive and not coming to the point, or avoiding the main topic.)

Do  you say what you really mean, or do you tiptoe around it? Take it down to everyday conversations or requests.  When you need something, ask for it. (Politely, of course, and straight out.)

Change this -    “Will you be near the bank today?”
To this -            “Can you make a deposit for me?”

Change this -    “Look at that pile of clothes on your floor.”
To this -            “Time to do some laundry.”

 

No one is a mind-reader, and nobody wants to guess and be wrong. Say what you mean, and you’ll avoid the misunderstandings, impatience, and frustration of beating around the bush.

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You know so many people who need to hear this message, so let’s work together to spread it to as many people as possible (think family, friends, co-workers, PTO/HSA).  Please also let me know your thoughts about today’s tip. Tell me if you found it helpful.  You can leave your comments below.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

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TIP: No Wallowing Allowed

March 30, 2013 By Leave a Comment

TIP:  NO WALLOWING ALLOWED

 

The dictionary definition of ‘commiserate’ is to feel or express sympathy.  How many times has that turned into a ‘being miserable together’ party?
 
This tip is for you and your kids.  It’s comforting to know that you are not alone in your difficulties; however, the path to coping and problem-solving is not in wallowing.  The path to feeling better is not in rehashing and reliving the pain.  What you really want is to feel hopeful and get out of the mess.
 
So the path to change and feeling better is in ACTION. That can be actions you take yourself, or asking for help from someone who knows more about the subject, or has actually worked their way out of a similar situation.
 
New mantra?  GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND INTO ACTION.
 
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Who do you know who is feeling ‘stuck’?  Share this message with parents you know. It could be just the nudge they need to get out of a rut… and take action!  And leave a comment, share an experience, or let us know how these strategies work for you.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

 

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It’s exhausting to be who you are not (a personal story)

March 16, 2013 By 2 Comments

It’s Exhausting Being Who You Are Not (a personal story)

 

Recently at school I was talking to a colleague.  I asked a question, he gave me a serious answer.  This man usually jokes around a lot, so I really enjoyed having a more intimate conversation with him.  When he’s joking around, I find myself playing along and being part of it. But… if I’m honest about it… it’s work for me.  At some level I’m not enjoying myself. To understand why this is so, you need to hear about the shy, awkward teenager I was.

I was always shy, feeling more comfortable with adults than kids my own age. That’s true as far back as I can remember, even at the age of five. Fast forward to 17.  I’m at regular weekend get-togethers at the homes of friends in my youth group.  Most of the kids are known to me, week after week.  I’m the one sitting on a chair in the corner, smile on my face, watching everyone else mingling and having (or seeming to have) a good time.  And I sit.  And watch. And then it’s over and I go home. I’ve been out, but I might as well have stayed home for all the socializing I didn’t do.

And one day I just decided that it was no way to live, that I had to get past my own shyness and insecurity and just ‘get out there’.  So I did.  At the next party, I forced myself to be part of conversations, laugh, make jokes, maybe even flirt a little… in other words, I was a participant, not an observer.  And when it was over, I was EXHAUSTED!  It was such hard work and took everything out of me.

Like any other skill, this one took practice.  Week after week I worked it, until one day (probably years later) it came automatically. No doubt about it, it’s a great skill to develop.  Truth be told, though, I still don’t enjoy large groups of people.  I much prefer
small groups or one-on-one where I can talk to people at a deeper level and really get to know them.  I can hold my own just about anywhere, but it’s not as satisfying, and I find I need some down time afterwards.

Fast forward 40 years, to that morning in school. You see, it had all become so automatic that I didn’t think about it anymore. And then the AHA moment. I don’t need to engage in those ‘one of the guys’ moments all the time.  It’s okay to sit back and just be the ‘quiet’ me.  I’m glad I pushed myself in my teen years — my life definitely changed for the better.  I am proud of my courage and determination at that tender age. I wouldn’t want to be the person I was back then.  But I don’t need that attention, not so much of it, anymore.  I’m more settled and accepting of me.  Age and experience give you that, and thank goodness, too.  I don’t have that kind of energy now.  And, as the song says, “I gotta be me.”

Of course, I throw out a challenge to you.  Who are you? Who do you sometimes pretend to be?  How does it serve you (or does it)?  I encourage you to to bring this up in conversation with your children.  They desperately need to to know that their teenage angst and confusion is normal, and there is hope that they will get through it, just as you did. Their life is all about being accepted. Most everything they do is an effort to belong. They believe you have always been the person they see before them, in spite of you insisting you know how they feel, you were young once, too. Share your challenges and struggles with them.  I guarantee, you will inspire them!  I know it did with my kids.  These are the moments when you can teach without lecturing. You can be a real person to them, instead of just the provider, driver and person with whom they fight for control.  Do it now. They are waiting.

 

Think about someone you know who needs to read this message. Send this email to them.  You never know whose life you will impact today. I’d also love to know what you thought about it.  Did it help you at all? What did you discover that you can change in your own life?  I would love to know.  Leave a comment or write to me at fern@yourfamilymatterscoach.com.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

 

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The Magic of the Do-Over

March 12, 2013 By 4 Comments

The Magic of the Do-Over

 

I bet you’ve always thought do-overs are for kids and games.  Think again.  Do-overs apply to most situations and people, although we really focus here on your relationship with your child.

Do you wish you had handled a situation differently with your teen? You never know what will fly out of your mouth when they give you attitude, rebellion or indifference… or when you are tired or worried.  Who you are in the heat of the moment is not who you are an hour or a day later. I admit, I’ve been known to scream from frustration.  I’m needing to be right, or just don’t feel heard.  Ditto for my kid, right?

It takes a little courage (which means leaving your ego in another room) to come back, after the fact, and bring up the topic again.  You won’t regret it – promise.  What’s on the other side of your fear is resolution and understanding.  So take that leap. Tell your teen you had some time to think about what happened and what was said.

-  “What I really wanted to say… “
-  “I’ve been thinking about what happened and I’d like to talk to you again, without arguing  or yelling.
-  “I’m calmer now, and I do want to hear what you have to say.”

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  The added benefit is that you are showing your kids how people reconcile, discuss their differences and show humility. That sounds like a win-win to me.

Start taking advantage of your ‘do-over’ opportunities.  And share this message with friends and family. You never know who needs to hear just this message, today.  I love to hear from you, so leave a comment, share an experience, and let us know how these strategies work for you.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

 

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