You are here: Home / Archives for life skills

“I tried that once and it didn’t work.” Don’t even think it!

May 18, 2013 By Leave a Comment

“I tried that once and it didn’t work.”  Don’t even think those words!


“I tried that once and it didn’t work.” Don’t even think it, let alone say it!  I hear this a fair amount from parents who are always looking for something new, a magic bullet, if you will, to make their kids change their behavior.

How often did you try?  Once?  Twice?  Three times you’re out?  I’ll bet if your kid told you she gave up after one try you’d have a fit.  Try, try again. Practice makes perfect.  Don’t be a quitter.  If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for you.  Remember – any expectations you have for your kids you must have for yourself, or you lose all credibility.

One of my favorite mantras is “Repetition is the mother of skill.”  You used it to learn to walk and ride a bike, type and cook, speak a first and maybe a second language. You may not always get it right, but you usually get it ‘better’.

The same applies to skills and strategies you use in raising your children. Yes, I know, every so often there is something you need to toss because it really doesn’t work; however, most of the time it is a question of practice and persistence.  It takes time for you to master the skill and time for your child to adjust to the ‘new you’, and the new boundaries and expectations you set.

When you find yourself frustrated and ready to give up, remember the hopes and dreams you have for you and your children.  Put your money where your mouth is and stick with it.  They are counting on you to help them grow up to be confident, resilient and strong.

(If this struck home for you today, please do me a quick favor. There is somebody else you know who needs to hear this, who may have given up too quickly and doesn’t know how to get back on track.  You can forward this email, or just post the link for this page (http://www.yourfamilymatterscoach.com/?p=1590)  on Facebook and Twitter.  Someone will be glad you did.

Filed Under: achievement, asking for help, experiential learning, goal-setting, leadership, life skills, limit-setting, parenting, teens, tweens Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

YOU are the missing link.

May 14, 2013 By Leave a Comment

YOU ARE THE MISSING LINK (a personal story)

 

You say that your child’s happiness and mental health are your top concerns.  So what do you do when your child is depressed and hurting? Maybe hurting himself? Of course you get help.  There are therapists and counselors, in-patient and out-patient programs specifically for children and adolescents.

I’ve been there, and made sure my child got help…. and… it turned out that it wasn’t enough.  In the end, the inescapable truth was that we parents needed help, too.  You can get all the help in the world for your child and sometimes, unfortunately, it isn’t enough. The biggest factor in tipping the scale to healing and happiness is parents doing this work, too.  YOU ARE THE MISSING LINK.

When we first took our son to Hyde School, we were in a room full of parents who wanted the school to ‘fix’ what was wrong with their kid.  We soon recognized that we needed some ‘fixing’ too.  We knew that he couldn’t come back to the same home, same parents, same dynamics.  Hyde provided a parallel program for us, to help us improve our own lives, too, becoming better parents, better role models, and more fulfilled human beings.  WE ARE THE MISSING LINK.

You see, in the context of being at this boarding school, the kids are living in a character culture. They are learning in classes, on the field, in the dorm, on stage, everywhere, what it means to be a person of integrity, giving your best effort, holding yourself and others accountable, taking healthy risks, and becoming leaders.

Now imagine that this child comes home to a family that doesn’t speak this language or live the program, where everyone falls back into their old roles.  A lot of the growth of that child disappears because what he learned is not replicated at home.  There is no support for the growth and learning he has achieved.  THE PARENTS ARE THE MISSING LINK.

We knew that our son had made choices for himself that landed him there; however, we also knew that, in spite of love and the best of intentions, we had a lot to do with the person he became.  (If parents can take some of the credit for how well their children turn out, why shouldn’t they take some responsibility for the less desirable outcomes ?) While at Hyde I came to realize all the things I taught my children without even knowing it: how I saw the world and my place in it; how I responded to stress and conflict; what risks I was willing or unwilling to take; inconsistencies between my words and actions. I WAS THE MISSING LINK.

This was a big wake-up call.  I may have started the work because of him, but I continued with it for myself.  The work doesn’t end.  Every day has its challenges and I reflect and make course corrections regularly.

Take a good hard look at yourself.  Can you identify with any of this?  You are your child’s most important teacher.  He’s watching everything you do.  Your kids are growing up in a world that requires them to be resilient and courageous in order to be safe, happy and successful.  Are you teaching them by example?  Do you have a double standard when you ask for their best effort and productive attitudes, always?  Do you live what you ask them to do? YOU ARE THE MISSING LINK.

So, the next time you think your child is off track and needs help, I implore you to look within.  Recognize that every one of us is a product of the people around us, and we can all use some tweaking. That’s you, your kids, your parents.  Being part of a family is a group effort.  When one hurts, you all hurt.  When one needs help, you all need help.  DON’T BE A MISSING LINK.  BE THE LINK THAT COMPLETES AND STRENGTHENS THE CHAIN.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!
Fern

P.S. Did this article touch you in some way? Can you identify?  Leave a comment below or send me a personal email (fern@yourfamilymatterscoach.com). Let me know how I can be of help a you.  And please forward this article  to at least five people who would benefit from the message, people you care about who want the best for their family.

Filed Under: asking for help, communication, experiential learning, leadership, life skills, parenting, role models, self-esteem, teens, tweens Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Be teachable,

May 6, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Be teachable

 

You’ve heard me say it before:  your attitude affects just about everything.  And this applies to how receptive you are to learning, or to being taught.  Do you think you know it all?  And if you know you don’t know it all, are you willing to learn?  Your value, in all facets of life, is in your ability to learn, grow, change and adapt. This applies to business, school, family, parenting, promotions, you name it. 
 
I was listening to a teleclass one night, and was a bit impatient.  I’d already
had training on the topic, but called in anyway because I had heard great things about the presenter.  My ears picked up when she said, “Leave behind the notion that you already know everything I’m about to teach.” Yup. That was me.  And as soon as I opened my mind and changed my attitude, I saw how much I could still learn.
 
In my first year of teaching my mentor said, “Remember that you are a teacher AND a student.”  In other words, I had much to learn from my students and the process. Teachers are always learning. We are all lifelong students.  It isn’t just for the classroom.
 
Become teachable, always asking, “How can I learn more?”  Learn from books, mentors, professors, friends, colleagues and… your kids.  Like it or not, your kids will teach you some of the most important lessons of your life — through their words, actions, and attitudes.  Yes, attitudes again. You will see what you have imparted to them.  Some of it won’t be pleasant, and that is where you will see the personal work that needs to be done.
 
Did you get the message?  Good, you learned something new today.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Help others become learners, too.  Help them take the next step to excellence in parenting and any other goal in life by sharing this post with them. Let me know what meaning this message has for you by leaving your comment below.  Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

Filed Under: communication, experiential learning, goal-setting, leadership, life skills, parenting, role models, self-esteem, teens, tweens Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Be direct. Don’t beat around the bush.

April 6, 2013 By 1 Comment

Be direct. Don’t beat around the bush.

In case you hadn’t noticed, most of the tips you read here are multipurpose (or ‘interdisciplinary’ as we say in teaching).  If you expand your view, they apply to pretty much all relationships, not just the one with your kids. The same applies to today’s tip to stop beating around the bush.

(By the way, here is the origin of the expression.  Beating around the bush means not going straight to the point. It comes from an old hunting term. Beaters were people who went ahead of hunters to flush out the quarry. To those beaters who tried to have an easy day and avoid heavy undergrowth the hunters would call out “don’t beat around the bush, go through it.”  Basically it means that one is being evasive and not coming to the point, or avoiding the main topic.)

Do  you say what you really mean, or do you tiptoe around it? Take it down to everyday conversations or requests.  When you need something, ask for it. (Politely, of course, and straight out.)

Change this -    “Will you be near the bank today?”
To this -            “Can you make a deposit for me?”

Change this -    “Look at that pile of clothes on your floor.”
To this -            “Time to do some laundry.”

 

No one is a mind-reader, and nobody wants to guess and be wrong. Say what you mean, and you’ll avoid the misunderstandings, impatience, and frustration of beating around the bush.

* * * * * * * *

You know so many people who need to hear this message, so let’s work together to spread it to as many people as possible (think family, friends, co-workers, PTO/HSA).  Please also let me know your thoughts about today’s tip. Tell me if you found it helpful.  You can leave your comments below.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

Filed Under: asking for help, communication, experiential learning, leadership, life skills, parenting, social skills, teens, tweens Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

TIP: No Wallowing Allowed

March 30, 2013 By Leave a Comment

TIP:  NO WALLOWING ALLOWED

 

The dictionary definition of ‘commiserate’ is to feel or express sympathy.  How many times has that turned into a ‘being miserable together’ party?
 
This tip is for you and your kids.  It’s comforting to know that you are not alone in your difficulties; however, the path to coping and problem-solving is not in wallowing.  The path to feeling better is not in rehashing and reliving the pain.  What you really want is to feel hopeful and get out of the mess.
 
So the path to change and feeling better is in ACTION. That can be actions you take yourself, or asking for help from someone who knows more about the subject, or has actually worked their way out of a similar situation.
 
New mantra?  GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND INTO ACTION.
 
* * * * * * * *
  
Who do you know who is feeling ‘stuck’?  Share this message with parents you know. It could be just the nudge they need to get out of a rut… and take action!  And leave a comment, share an experience, or let us know how these strategies work for you.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

 

Filed Under: asking for help, communication, experiential learning, goal-setting, life skills, parenting, problem-solving, teens Tagged With: , , , , , ,

It’s exhausting to be who you are not (a personal story)

March 16, 2013 By 2 Comments

It’s Exhausting Being Who You Are Not (a personal story)

 

Recently at school I was talking to a colleague.  I asked a question, he gave me a serious answer.  This man usually jokes around a lot, so I really enjoyed having a more intimate conversation with him.  When he’s joking around, I find myself playing along and being part of it. But… if I’m honest about it… it’s work for me.  At some level I’m not enjoying myself. To understand why this is so, you need to hear about the shy, awkward teenager I was.

I was always shy, feeling more comfortable with adults than kids my own age. That’s true as far back as I can remember, even at the age of five. Fast forward to 17.  I’m at regular weekend get-togethers at the homes of friends in my youth group.  Most of the kids are known to me, week after week.  I’m the one sitting on a chair in the corner, smile on my face, watching everyone else mingling and having (or seeming to have) a good time.  And I sit.  And watch. And then it’s over and I go home. I’ve been out, but I might as well have stayed home for all the socializing I didn’t do.

And one day I just decided that it was no way to live, that I had to get past my own shyness and insecurity and just ‘get out there’.  So I did.  At the next party, I forced myself to be part of conversations, laugh, make jokes, maybe even flirt a little… in other words, I was a participant, not an observer.  And when it was over, I was EXHAUSTED!  It was such hard work and took everything out of me.

Like any other skill, this one took practice.  Week after week I worked it, until one day (probably years later) it came automatically. No doubt about it, it’s a great skill to develop.  Truth be told, though, I still don’t enjoy large groups of people.  I much prefer
small groups or one-on-one where I can talk to people at a deeper level and really get to know them.  I can hold my own just about anywhere, but it’s not as satisfying, and I find I need some down time afterwards.

Fast forward 40 years, to that morning in school. You see, it had all become so automatic that I didn’t think about it anymore. And then the AHA moment. I don’t need to engage in those ‘one of the guys’ moments all the time.  It’s okay to sit back and just be the ‘quiet’ me.  I’m glad I pushed myself in my teen years — my life definitely changed for the better.  I am proud of my courage and determination at that tender age. I wouldn’t want to be the person I was back then.  But I don’t need that attention, not so much of it, anymore.  I’m more settled and accepting of me.  Age and experience give you that, and thank goodness, too.  I don’t have that kind of energy now.  And, as the song says, “I gotta be me.”

Of course, I throw out a challenge to you.  Who are you? Who do you sometimes pretend to be?  How does it serve you (or does it)?  I encourage you to to bring this up in conversation with your children.  They desperately need to to know that their teenage angst and confusion is normal, and there is hope that they will get through it, just as you did. Their life is all about being accepted. Most everything they do is an effort to belong. They believe you have always been the person they see before them, in spite of you insisting you know how they feel, you were young once, too. Share your challenges and struggles with them.  I guarantee, you will inspire them!  I know it did with my kids.  These are the moments when you can teach without lecturing. You can be a real person to them, instead of just the provider, driver and person with whom they fight for control.  Do it now. They are waiting.

 

Think about someone you know who needs to read this message. Send this email to them.  You never know whose life you will impact today. I’d also love to know what you thought about it.  Did it help you at all? What did you discover that you can change in your own life?  I would love to know.  Leave a comment or write to me at fern@yourfamilymatterscoach.com.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

 

Filed Under: communication, experiential learning, leadership, life skills, self-esteem, social skills Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

The Magic of the Do-Over

March 12, 2013 By 4 Comments

The Magic of the Do-Over

 

I bet you’ve always thought do-overs are for kids and games.  Think again.  Do-overs apply to most situations and people, although we really focus here on your relationship with your child.

Do you wish you had handled a situation differently with your teen? You never know what will fly out of your mouth when they give you attitude, rebellion or indifference… or when you are tired or worried.  Who you are in the heat of the moment is not who you are an hour or a day later. I admit, I’ve been known to scream from frustration.  I’m needing to be right, or just don’t feel heard.  Ditto for my kid, right?

It takes a little courage (which means leaving your ego in another room) to come back, after the fact, and bring up the topic again.  You won’t regret it – promise.  What’s on the other side of your fear is resolution and understanding.  So take that leap. Tell your teen you had some time to think about what happened and what was said.

-  “What I really wanted to say… “
-  “I’ve been thinking about what happened and I’d like to talk to you again, without arguing  or yelling.
-  “I’m calmer now, and I do want to hear what you have to say.”

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  The added benefit is that you are showing your kids how people reconcile, discuss their differences and show humility. That sounds like a win-win to me.

Start taking advantage of your ‘do-over’ opportunities.  And share this message with friends and family. You never know who needs to hear just this message, today.  I love to hear from you, so leave a comment, share an experience, and let us know how these strategies work for you.

Be well, be strong, be courageous parents!

 

Filed Under: communication, experiential learning, leadership, life skills, parenting, siblings, teens Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Time to Raise the Bar

March 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment
Time to Raise the Bar … One Notch At a Time

What does raising the bar look like for you?  What expectations do you have for your children? Setting high expectations is a good thing, as long as the bar isn’t out of reach.
 
Some of the students I teach have trouble with organization and keeping track of assignments.  Meetings with parents and guidance sometimes result in a long list of things the child is supposed to accomplish or master. Honestly, if someone handed me a list like that I would probably shut down and give up (and some of them do).  It’s too much, too quickly.  Just remembering to always put finished homework in their backpack is a major accomplishment.
 
Most goals or tasks are comprised of any number of smaller steps.  So keep the big picture in mind, and implement in small steps.  And remember to celebrate the small stuff, because nothing builds success like success.
 
And speaking of the big picture, here is an inspiring video about ordinary people who have accomplished extraordinary things.  http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=G4ZkMkqy7Us

 
Think about who you know who needs to read this message today. Please send them the link, or share this on Facebook or Twitter. You never know whose life you will impact today. And what did you think about today’s tip? Did it help you? What did you discover that you can change in your own family?  I’d love to know.  Leave your comments here.

 

Filed Under: communication, experiential learning, life skills, parenting, school, teens Tagged With: , , , , , ,

7 Questions to Create Super Problem-Solver Teens

March 3, 2013 By Leave a Comment

7 Questions to Create Super Problem-Solver Teens

 

Kids have come to rely heavily on parents and teachers to do their thinking for them.  They have become unwilling, or unable, to go beyond rote learning.

In the classroom, lesson plans and curriculum are now strongly influenced by ‘essential questions’.  These questions engage students in evaluating, analyzing and applying knowledge to better understand, and function in, their world.  They encourage students to think critically, instead of simply looking up facts.

I have taken the concept of essential questions and made it more personal.  Here are some questions that I consider to be ‘essential’ when faced with a challenging situation.  You can use with them your teen, tween or young adult to help them develop their problem-solving skills.

* What is the problem/task/project?

* What information do you already have?

* What information do you need and where can you find it?

* How can you break down the task into smaller, more
   manageable pieces?

 
* If necessary, who can you ask for help?

* When have you been in a similar situation, and how did you handle it?

 
* What did you learn from that experience and how can you apply it to this one (or not)?

These are skills that we take for granted.  It’s time to help your kids think for themselves.  Give them the tool of essential questions.

Share this with a friend.  These are basic skills that both parents and kids will be able to use.  And leave a comment below.  I love to hear from you!
Filed Under: communication, experiential learning, life skills, parenting, school, teens Tagged With: , , , , ,

Lighten up… ’cause negativity is a drag!

December 9, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Lighten up… ’cause negativity is a drag!

 
Even if you are experiencing difficulties with your kids, it doesn’t have to define every moment of every day.
 
When you think back on your day, look for some of the lighter moments. Share those moments, and anything positive you can find about them. Even if your child rolls his eyes or makes disparaging remarks about it, keep doing it. You have to lighten up somewhere. Don’t take their attitude personally.  Show them that they do bring more to you than aggravation.
 
Plan for some family time together. Yes, I know. Family time with a child who has you on edge is really challenging. So here’s a plan to work around it:
 
1. Schedule family time as you would any other appointment.

2. Brainstorm a list of activities – everyone adds an idea.

3. Write down EVERY idea, no matter how ridiculous or outlandish it sounds. Why? Because if you don’t write it down, then your kids will ask why you wanted their input in the first place. And they’d be right.  Get it?

4. Go through the list together. With a sense of humor, eliminate the unrealistic or modify to keep it on the list. “Skateboarding, Mark? How about we all go, but I sit it out. With my back, you’d have to bring me home in a cast! But if it’s important to you, I want to be there.”

5. Make it clear that each time a different person will pick the activity. That way everyone gets to choose what they like, and they also participate in what others like. And even if they don’t smile through the experience, there are no grumbling and bad attitudes allowed… because everyone else has to compromise, too.
 
What outings or activities have been successful with your family?  Send me a note and let me know what works.
 
Be well, be strong, be courageous parents.
 
Filed Under: communication, experiential learning, family time, life skills, parenting, siblings, teens Tagged With: , , , , , ,
« Older Posts