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There is no “secret” to good parenting

November 10, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Want to know the secret to being a good parent?

There are no secrets to being a ‘good’ parent. There are no truly “new” ideas out there. It’s all about a few basic principles: respect, responsibility, truth, flexibility, resilience, courage. Show it in words and actions so your kids know exactly how it looks and sounds. Those are the building blocks. Do them with greater and greater frequency and watch things change.

If you must, read some books, go to some workshops… but remember, there is no substitute for walking the walk and talking the talk. So what are you waiting for? Every moment of every day is a new chance to do it again, and do it better.

As a parent, coach, and teacher, I know that repetition is the mother of skill. (No, it doesn’t mean you repeat yourself again and again with your kids. It’s not that kind of repetition.) It means you practice, practice, practice.  And being a coach doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. I’m on the road, just like you.

Every day brings new challenges. No two situations are identical. Learn a new way to approach something. Apply it to a situation. Evaluate how effective it was. Modify if necessary.  Do it again. Voila! This is true learning. It is also true teaching. Your kids are watching, even if they are rolling their eyes or ignoring you. They are hungry for you to guide them, even when they tell you otherwise.

Filed Under: communication, discipline, experiential learning, parenting, teens Tagged With: , , , , ,

Using the “F-bomb” to start a conversation

October 23, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Using the “F-bomb” to start a conversation?

That got your attention, didn’t it?

The expression “F-bomb” (you know, the “F” word that we write f*#@ in public) is now an official word in the dictionary.  It reminds me of a client who said how upset she would get when her son “dropped the F-bomb”. She’d react in such a strong, negative way –which is understandable. Whatever they were originally discussing was gone, too busy arguing about such a crude and disrespectful way to talk to your mom!

So here’s the deal. It is, as always, a gift of an opportunity to talk about it, and explain how your buttonsare pushed. This mom figured out that when her son speaks that way, it’s all she can hear. Nothing else gets through to her because she can only focus on the bad language and she shuts down.  So I suggested that, in a quiet moment, she  tell him exactly that. She came up with her own wording to tell him that she’s taken aback when  she hears it, shuts down, and the language becomes the new issue.

Kids need information. Whether they agree with it or not, information helps them understand, and this is the beginning of settling disputes. How long do you want the yelling and hurt feelings to go on? If you don’t talk about it, nothing changes. So talk about it and move on.

Filed Under: communication, life skills, parenting, teens Tagged With: , , , ,

Who’s the enforcer in your family?

July 19, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Who’s the enforcer in your family?

In a two-parent home, it’s common for each of you to have different strengths and challenges when it comes to parenting. For example, one of you may be volatile, while the other is more even-tempered.   Or maybe your partner is consistent with discipline and you are the ‘soft touch’.

Take advantage of each others’ strengths.  If you are inconsistent and not effective at following through on consequences, hand it off to your partner.  This is too important to let your ego get in the way.  There is no shame.  Think of it as a safety net of sorts for providing your kids with limits and growing responsibility.

Talk it over.  Decide who will be the enforcer.  If it’s not you, take a back seat.  Be more of an observer, and chime in to show your support.

Quotable Quotes:

Keeping the Big Picture in mind is one of the most important things parents can do, and also one of the hardest.   ~ T. Berry Brazelton ~

Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.     ~ Robert Fulghum ~

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Zero to disaster in 60 seconds?

June 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Zero to disaster in 60 seconds?

Here’s a thought pattern that used to make me nuts:  ‘Zero to disaster in 60 seconds’.  I’ll bet some of you have experienced it, too.

Here’s how it goes….

My 16-year old son has missed two history assignments this week… He’ll start falling behind and fail a test… Then he’ll stop working in other classes, fail multiple courses, he won’t  graduate high school (forget about college!), start using drugs, and end up living on the street.  Zero to disaster in 60 seconds.

Yes, it’s overly dramatic.  But it illustrates how something small can trigger your fears and have you projecting way too far into the future.  And when you are fearful for your child’s future, it makes you want to control what they do even more.

Remember to pay attention to the small stuff –  and recognize that it IS small stuff.  Some things are problems to be solved, not crises.  Stay calm and focused in the present moment. And make sure that your child is involved in the creation and implementation of the solution! You want to help him or her to be resilient and build strong problem-solving skills.

Filed Under: life skills, parenting, teens Tagged With: , ,

Before all else fails, parent based on your values

May 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Before all else fails, parent based on your values.

 

It has been said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.” – Unknown

You bring your newborn baby home with great joy and some trepidation. You are finally a family and ready to lavish love, protection and dreams on this little bundle. But where is the owner’s manual?

Your manual tends to be your own parents. Some of you will raise your Values in parentingchildren the way you were raised. For others, it is just the opposite. “I’ll never do that to my children,” you may have said. Either way, your parenting style is not your own. It is a reaction to the way you were parented. It takes some work to create your own vision of how to raise your family.

Crosby, Stills and Nash sang, “Teach your children well.” But what will you teach them? What do you really believe in?

Here is your opportunity to set a new course. Give yourself a few moments to begin thinking about what it is that you value most. Take this opportunity to solicit the opinions of your partner and children and see where there is common ground. As you define this list, keep referring back to it. When there are decisions to be made, both large and small, these principles are your compass, guiding you and your family through challenges and indecision.

Let your principles define where you are going…. and determine your own road there.

Filed Under: communication, discipline, limit-setting, parenting, teens Tagged With: , , , ,